I was raised in a strict Christian household my whole childhood. My family's life was completely involved in Religion. I thought Jesus lived in our car because we prayed to him so much while driving places. But, one of the earliest remembrances of Church that I have is how much I wanted to believe, and how hard that was because I didn't.
Magick has always interested me. It was a dark and forbidden thing, and that excited the imagination of a young boy who was told exactly what he would and wouldn't believe about every single thing. My family, unlike many main-line Christians, fully reinforced in our childhood development that Magick is real. That powers beyond our human ken exist all around us, and that they can be harnessed by the human mind and soul. But, of course, the people who used these powers were evil.
I think I knew I wasn't destined to sit in a pew as young as 10 or so. I started having prophetic dreams, dreams that absolutely came true. Now, it was no great or portentous things that I dreamed out, simply my own life and the things that would happen to me in the future. It scared the crap out of me at first. I thought I was cursed or doomed or something, but I knew I had not done anything to bring this fate upon myself. Thus began my quick disillusionment with a system of religion that would condemn me to hell for a natural ability.
I grew and kind of put this ability by the wayside, well it never went away but I didn't focus on it. I finished school, tried college like many others my age and did some reading about Chaos Magick along the way. I dabbled, as it were. Enough to know what was believed in those communities, but not enough to mar my soul, or so I hoped. It took me many years to get where I am now: free of personal doubts about my path.
I can't claim to be some powerful Mage or Priest of a delighted god but I am slowly finding the pieces that work for me and putting them together into a system. What I do know is, I'm done wandering in the wilderness.
Where do you find yourself now, have you found peace a faith can giveyou?
ReplyDeleteI find myself in a place where I am not totally sure what I believe, but I have put off my old ways that held me back so that i can find my true destiny. I am just free to find my own way.
DeleteI can completely identify with wanting to believe. I went through that phase, and it was extremely lonely for me. I could see all the people who (from the outside at least) looked fulfilled, and I was just empty. So much better when you find what works for you!
ReplyDeleteThe wanting to believe- in a way, I think it is a trick. People say they believe, but how many people really do believe? I think in my world, believing is more like constant yearning. but then, I've read a lot of Rumi, so the idea of God/Gods as Beloved One who you long to see seems reasonable to me.
ReplyDeleteYearning is a really good word.
DeleteThis might sound a bit ridiculous or cliche, but in my mind God dwells in all things - including in myself. There is a connectedness I can feel with others, but mostly with nature.
ReplyDeleteGive me a night sky and I feel like it was put there just for me to be in awe of...and I also know that it is an extension of me and I of it.
Because I have a belief in this grand connection I can have faith in the deities and in turn, in myself. Faith turns to belief and belief supports continued faith.
That is the big picture...ie, the large scale belief I have. The in-between bits? I have no idea about most of the stuff in between. If it feels right, I do it...I follow it...I learn it. And that is subject to change at any moment. :)